Fabolous fish and georgeus steaks

A menu funny posted on Facebook this morning inspired me to write the poem. I simply loved "fabolous and georgeus" and had to find a way to use them.

Fabolous fish and georgeus steaks

Please don't adjust your spellcheck,
I find the phrase divine.
And one Croatian restaurant,
too thought that it was fine.

So what was on the menu,
apart from fish and steaks?
Great wine and tasty dishes,
and some hilarious mistakes.

So the restaurant provides entertainment,
even before the food's brought out.
But what if the menu's confusing,
and you get trotters instead of trout.

If you want your menu translated,
avoid Google and Babelfish.
Only a specialist translator,
can aptly describe the dish.

"To the French" and similar descriptions,
are direct results of Google Translate,
leaving the diner mystified,
as to what he'll find on this plate.

The language of menu translation,
is complex and often poetic.
It takes the skills of a translator,
to render the true aesthetic.

Fabolous and georgeus are classics,
so wrong and yet so good.
This restaurant will be remembered,
but not because of its food.

Maybe the owner had a go,
thought he'd save some money,
or a waiter who speaks the lingo,
was responsible for this funny?

So a message to restaurant owners,
who think their English is fabolous.
Keep making your georgeus steaks,
and leave the translating to us.

© Alison Hughes June 2014

Moving away from the source....

After a guest post by Elisa Bonora on Marian Dougan's award winning blog - Words to Good Effect - a Twitter conversation ensued about how we move away from the source text. Here's my method in a little poem:

The (very) creative text

The text is creative, it looks like fun,

I’m used to doing them, just another one.

I know the client, the brochure too,

but this time the author seems to be new.

“What can be different?” I ask myself,

placing my other work back on the shelf.

This one’s urgent, but aren’t they all?

Normally I don’t really mind at all.

I read the first section and scratch my head.

What exactly is being said?

I know it’s poetic and the French reads well,

but what is meant I really can’t tell.

I stare at the screen but words don’t come,

my mind is blank, my brain is numb.

Time for action, I know of course,

I just need to move away from the source.

Moving away doesn’t just mean distraction,

it really is time to spring into action,

to leave my desk, shut the office door,

clean the kitchen or wash the floor.

But all the time the text stays in my head,

going round and round as I look for the thread.

One word comes but there’s many to go,

I need to keep going, it’s starting to flow.

A change of tack, what will I do next?

It’s a little too early to return to the text.

Some gentle stretches that will keep me fit,

warm up my limbs, help me chill a bit.

I lie on the floor, lift one-two-three,

and all of a sudden it comes to me.

The words are clear, it all unravels,

it’s what he encountered on his travels.

The setting sun, the bright blue sea,

the verdant hills, the sway of the tree.

The words are different the concept’s the same,

to confuse the translator was not his aim.

This new author was out to impress,

to please the editor, his path to success.

Simple description won’t get him far,

when using poetry can raise the bar.

But the poor translator, did he think of me?

Certainly not, it’s plain to see.

But that’s my job, my true vocation,

turning 'gobbledegook' into a good translation.

I like a challenge so I’m not complaining,

the whole process is quite entertaining.

It keeps me fit as through the house I roam,

though it’s just as well I work from home.

© Alison Hughes 13.6.14

Pandas and Penguins

This poem is dedicated to Anne Diamantidis who taught me not to fear pandas and penguins

Pandas and penguins, just cute animals you thought,

Well according to Google, apparently not.

You’d be right in thinking they’re found in a zoo,

But good old Google looks out for them too,

Keywords, keywords, once all the rage,

You’d better not stuff them on your page,

That’s a Panda in case you didn’t know

A website full of them is a big no-no.

So what’s a penguin you may ask yourself?

OK it’s an animal on the arctic shelf.

That’s a fact but did you know

There’s a Google one that can cause you woe?

This time it’s links, with them be frugal,

If you want to appease dear Mr Google.

Too many on the site, it’ll disappear,

Gone, finito, into the stratosphere.

And beware if you’re expanding overseas,

With Googletranslate you’ll get translatorese,

For a penguin penalty your site is wide open,

So please make sure it just doesn’t happen.

Get a Panda penalty and your page is gone.

A Penguin penalty and the site’s withdrawn.

But what’s the solution you need to find,

For SEO and peace of mind?

Meaningful content is your next move,

Because a well-written blog post to Google will prove,

Your site is legitimate and merits a share,

By colleagues and contacts everywhere.

Metatitles are where the keywords go,

And where your website is put on show.

Use them wisely and you could be banking,

On a site that’s near the top of the ranking.

A final word for those who wonder,

If using keywords is a major blunder.

If you use them with care for content that’s clear,

You’ve got absolutely nothing to fear.

Google knows, it’s pretty clever,

And will reward you for your endeavour,

The more you write and the more it’s shared,

From pandas and penguins your site will be spared.

Reap the rewards and watch your site,

Soar up the rankings to an all-time new height,

And pandas and penguins will remain for you,

Those cute little animals you find in a zoo.

 ©Alison Hughes May 2014

BP14 - the poem

A conference in Budapest, that sounds like fun,

Many on offer but this could be the one.

A conference a year is my ultimate goal,

Good for my business, even better for my soul.

Fast forward some months and it’s fait accompli,

I arrive at the hotel, two colleagues with me.

The rain pours down, the thunder booms,

The man on reception messes up our rooms.

But all is soon forgotten as we head for the city,

And are taken to a café that’s really rather pretty.

After a convivial evening, I know one hundred percent,

It’s going to be memorable, money well spent.

The morning dawns, the real work starts,

The focus a profession so dear to our heart.

A job we love, our true vocation,

Of course this has to be translation.

A keynote speech with a panel debate,

The market is changing, so what is our fate?

The overall consensus: we will find our way,

Good translators are here to stay.

Feel and think like an expert, act like one too,

Wise words from Marta that certainly ring true.

Knowledge workers must all join the campaign,

It’s not our fingers, it’s what we do with our brain.

Specialise, stand out, offer something more,

Know what you’re good at, find an area you adore.

Working with others is a viable option,

Nigel Saych has a system ready for adoption.

SEO, branding, Easling, transcreation,

Tourism, medical, quality, collaboration.

The programme is vast, the topics diverse,

Far too many to include in this little verse.

And after the learning there’s plenty of fun,

Time to relax, the hard work is done.

Networking galore, meeting friends new and old,

Business cards exchanged, experiences told.

A cruise on the Danube, the view is divine,

Good food washed down with exquisite wine.

Some translators dance, others entertain,

We all welcome the chance to rest our brain.

After a gala dinner some head to the baths,

Others gather at the hotel to enjoy a few laughs.

As wine bottles are emptied, our sad thoughts we banish,

Our new-found friends are not going to vanish.

With social media we’ll all stay in touch,

United in an experience we enjoyed so much.

And as for the next one we’re relying on one man,

Conference organiser extraordinaire, Csaba Ban.

The ITI conference - a poem

The place is Gatwick, the month is May

The Hilton Hotel is where we’ll stay

The Hilton? What’s the reason why?

It’s this year’s conference of the ITI

Masterclasses a choice of four

Technology, money, could you ask for more?

Working the room is the other choice

Helping translators to find their voice

Drinks and dinner round off the first day

Before the conference gets underway

Soap and drugs, workflow and planes

CPD, export, social media and games

A yoga session to help us unwind

Stretch our limbs and empty our mind

Professional photos taken on site

A chance to get our image just right

Line dancing, whose idea was that?

Yes please I’ll have a sparkly hat

As Sunday dawns there’s lots in store

Quality, patents, contracts and more

Keynote speakers entertain and inspire

Figureheads we all admire

A final break with cakes and tea

Then singing translators with “Stand by me”

At the summary session we take a seat

And soon realise we’re in for a treat

A conference video has been prepared

And we’re the first to see it aired

Next it’s feedback, all positive of course

All in one voice, if a little hoarse

We ate and drank and had some fun

And learnt to look after number one

With knowledge gained at every session

We’ve pulled together as a profession

Hailed a success by all attending

For the conference committee a happy ending

Networking

Of course I’ll go, it’s something new

And definitely time my business grew

The event is free so that’s a plus

Networking? Don’t understand the fuss

I’m no shrinking violet, or so I’m told

So what’s the problem for one so bold?

New cards, nice suit and business head

I’m ready for action… what’s that you said?

No, it’s my first, of many I hope

It won’t be easy but I’m sure I’ll cope

Dam and blast it where’s the map?

Not yet a panic, just a bit of a flap

OK I’m not early, but not that late

Just remember it’s not a date

No-one is waiting just for you

But, oh my God, what do I do?

With a beating heart of increasing pace

I scan the room for a familiar face

I’m on my own, there’s no other way

I’ll just have to think of something to say

I approach a group deep in conversation

But stop in my tracks as the topic’s inflation

Deciding I need some time to think

I head for the table to have a drink

I grab a water and down it in one

Desperately fighting the urge to run

Group number two looks a better bet

Just need to do it, no time to vet

‘Do you mind if I join you?’ I say to be nice

It does the trick and breaks the ice

‘My name is Jan’ one says with a smile

Is this your first event in a while?

‘Yes’ I say, ‘well to tell the truth.

First event ever, shaky hand’s the proof.’

‘Only my second so I feel your pain.

But little to lose and lots to gain’

Her words of encouragement are all I need

I join the group and am soon up to speed

Explaining the work of a freelance translator

I discover a client who may need me later

Cards are exchanged and it’s time to move on

Somehow I no longer feel so forlorn

It certainly wasn’t as easy as expected

But a couple more and I could have this perfected.

My new office

Time to extend, house is too small

There’s just no room for eating at all

The bathroom’s tight, I’m sure of that

Definitely no room to swing a cat

And maybe, maybe there might be

A place to build an office for me.

There is, the builder has said ‘yes’

I just can’t wait to move my desk

Into a room that has a door

Something I didn’t have before

A space I can call my very own

Where I can work and be alone

In a busy house it’ll be a plus

Though the boys don’t understand all the fuss

Wallpaper, chandelier and paint

It’s all been bought but built it ain’t

There’s work to be done and walls to come down

In a sea of dust we begin to drown

Simple dinners are perfected

While sink and dishwasher are disconnected

Translations continue but the noise is bad

I’m very close to going mad

And then the bathroom wall’s erected

Making the office smaller than expected

So I wait with bated breath

To see how much space I’ve been left

My plans were grand so it’s quite a blow

I can’t help feeling rather low

But work goes on and I understand

A bigger bathroom will be just grand

The kitchen’s fab with a place to eat

To sit round the table will be quite a treat

And the office, between me and you

It’s actually fine and quite bijou